It’s been awhile since I’ve written here & I honestly couldn’t tell you if it’s a good or bad thing. I mean I’m living it up right now. I shouldn’t have anything to complain about but today has been something else. I don’t know if it’s an accumulation of everything I’ve been bottling up or what but there’s just a lot on my mind for no reason. I think the root problem of it all is that I have no space to call my own. To be completely myself & in my own. I mean I have a room but I feel like to an extent that not everything I do is private. I’m not use to it & it’s annoying. But I also know today has been the Mondayest Monday in the history of Monday’s. I was not at all ready for today & it honestly pushed me over the edge. I had a slight mental breakdown and it’s my fault. I need to use my time more wisely and stop procrastinating. But also I don’t get paid enough for all the shit I have to do, ya know. That’s also annoying. But at this point, it is what it is. I also am in a weird place with how I feel about my relationship status. I am at a point where I am tired of being single, but clearly I’m not doing anything to change that. I mean I kind of am, but not really. It’s really the idea of thinking I could be that’s probably dampening my mood. I recently slid into someone dm’s the other day not thinking too much about it and assuming it’d only last for half a day. But the attention and consistency I have received over the weekend was so filling. But I’m also conflicted that I might be breaking girl code? Like how long does girl code stay in effect? Forever? Or like 5-10 years? Lol. But then I also think that if I’m conflicted, my conscious knows that I’m in the wrong.. idk. But some insight is that we know each other, more so of each other at this point. One of my biggest insecurities is talking to ppl not knowing they don’t really know what they’re getting themselves into with my appearance. & I know. That should be the least of my problems but honestly it’s the harsh reality of the world we live in today. But it’s nice knowing that he knows me. I just wish I knew more about him in terms of whether or not we’re related. Another reason why it’s so hard to date. But idk. There’s just so much I want to talk about with someone and I feel like I can’t. But also it’s too soon to talk about so like I should chill. For some reason, I want this to work out. I want the odds to be in my favor. I feel like I’m ready to experience this part of my life. I want to experience this and dive deep whole heartedly honestly. I want this to be the beginning of something beautiful. Like is that so hard? I’m scared, I’m nervous, but I’m willing to take the chance. I have nothing to lose.
Sometimes, I just want someone to talk to. Someone who is willing to listen to me despite what is going on in their lives. I know I can always call family, but it comes to a point where I don’t want to worry them about certain things. I want to be able to just express myself & not worry about any judgement. I wish it was easy to be as open as I could with my bestfriend but our friendship isn’t like that. I know it’s front to others that we go through thick & thin. I mean we have, but to know every specific detail about each other’s lives? Nah. We are closed books & even if we decide to open up its minimal information. I know when I am being judged & it stops me from sharing anymore. It’s hard. I don’t think I’ve ever been fully honest with anyone in my life. The most honest I’ve ever been is probably with “maddy.” Haha. She gets it & im super thankful for her. It’s just we’re not available 24/7. I just know it’s hard rn to be able to express myself. I feel like I’ve kept so much bottled in over the years that I am get emotional so quickly over the littlest things. I want to start living, I want to start appreciating my life, & I want to start sharing my moments with someone else. I know I’m an independent person, but it gets so lonely. Just the thought of having someone around all the time makes me want it more. Makes me want someone to laugh with, to talk to, & to cry to. It’s just a lot. I miss all my best friends.l too. It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other and I feel disconnected. I miss having a guy best friend. I miss having someone to listen. Someone to tell me it’ll be okay despite the life that seems like I have everything figured out. Idk. Maybe I’m being selfish or maybe it’s time to put me first.
New year, different vibes.
I don’t know what it is, but this new year definitely has some weird vibes. like I honestly don’t get it & I am annoyed about it. why? because the one person I actually want to talk to (my bestfriend) is acting weird. I mean I know she has a lot going on & I get it. I wish I could help you out but I am barely making it too. I got my own bills that I need to pay & I think that’s why your mad. mad that I am not offering to help? idk. I am not going to be the one to say anything first bc you’re the one who left me on read. you’re the one who is asking for attention. you’re the one who is telling twitter that you can’t talk to anybody about what’s going on, but um hello.. im right here. you may not know, but that shit hurts. i wanted to tell you that I submitted my application to grad school the other day, but I didn’t wanna make it seem like I have everything under control bc I dont. I know that everything that you’re going through rn is tough. I know its hard for you, I don’t know how you feel, but IM HERE FOR YOU. I just wish you could vent to me, thats what I am here for. it makes me sad to see you admit that there is no one to talk to when it is definitely not true. This has already happened before & I was the one who said something. Im the one who fixed it. so I am not going to do that again. I’m going to wait for you. I’m going to see how long its going to take for you to say something. I want to make all these plans with you this year, but I don’t want to be mean when I know money is a problem rn ya know? but that doesn’t mean if I have the opportunity to go I won’t go, I will. i just wish you would talk to me. I feel like ever since this happened that last time, it has been a little off. I wish it wasn’t, because I know we are better than this. we are.. idk, idk what’s really going on but I guess we’ll see what happens. for now, im just going to be doing me. I miss you though..
2019.
I don’t know why this year felt like 10 years. I cried so many times this year than I ever have in awhile. There was so much that happened & it was definitely a lot to process. In the beginning of the year was when everything started moving along with the case. It was strange to even think that something like this was even happening to our family. It was pretty rough, but we all kept each other in the loop & eventually made a sibling group chat (my fav thing bc we all got to give our input) but to switch it up, I was living with one of my close friends & ending my last semester of college. I graduated with my bachelors in may & the only thing missing was my sister, my niece, and my nephew. I can’t tell you how that made me feel. I know they wanted to be there but with everything that was going on.. I understood. It’s just crazy how something so real could break up a family. I wish they were there. & then I ended up moving to tucson for work & school again. It has to be one of the decisions I low key regret but I know I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t suppose to be here. It’s fate. But distancing myself & moving further away from family has made me value spending time at home so much more. It has also made me realize which friends are willing to take the extra mile. But grad school is something else. I don’t know how I got through this past semester but it only made me realize that not every professor is rooting for you. I didn’t think people were racist until I was being taught by someone who didn’t teach me fairly. It’s crazy to see how resilient I became living on my own & having to deal with these emotions by myself. For a sec, I almost thought I was losing my best friend. I can’t even imagine how or why it went down but it did. Never would I have thought something so little could have went so far.. far enough for me to bring it to her attention & telling her to own up to her shitty actions. I was so sad that it messed up our friendship. But we talked about it & moved on. To be truthful about everything, but I always felt like she continues to hide things from me.. idk. Thats a whole other story. But as I was dealing with all these emotions, there went another day without a word from my sister & her kids. They gave us the silent treatment standing behind a man who was guilty for his actions & continued to manipulate them against us. & then all of a sudden the trial was here. The day every one dreaded but end was near. We came together as a family & stood by each other for some of the hardest days of our lives. It was tough to see them. I couldn’t believe that it had been more than a year since we last seen them & man did that pull a heartstring. All I wanted was for everything to be okay again, but it couldn’t. It was definitely eye opening & justice was found. I just couldn’t believe how much sadness & joy that last day brought us. I’m just happy that we ended the year as a family (without my sister & the kids again). I’ve never felt more tight knit than this & it has only made us stronger. So I’m so happy that 2019 is over with. I hope it only gets better from here.
So glad 2018 is over.
There was so much heartache that I did not realize it until I was able to reflect on what happened that year. I finished up my junior year of college & lost two scholarships. I did not know if I was able to pay for rent or keep up with my car payments or my credit card payments, but somehow I stayed afloat. I don’t know how but I prayed that everything would be okay. The only person who knew what was actually going on was my mom & she told me that everything was going to work out. I don’t know what I would do without her honestly. I felt like I lost motivation and I didnt know what my goal was anymore. I had no intention to do my best. I fell off the wagon, I guess you could say. I was ashamed to tell anyone, I was ashamed of myself because I wasn’t able to keep my grades up. I felt like I failed myself. I was so mad at myself for losing focus & not taking school serious when that should have been my only focus. Then more drama came, not with me, but with family. It was devastating finding out what we did & how it all started. I don’t know how or why but honestly it almost broke the family. We did our best to stay strong & I think this bugged me more than I thought it would have. It’s just sick when you really think about it. I probably cried more than I ever have this year. It was overwhelming. To start a year as a family & end the year missing a few people reAlly hurts but what can I do. I wish it were easier to see the bigger picture but it’s not. I just miss them. It’s not the same & I hate it. But they have made it clear that they don’t want us in their lives. That’s what hurts is that we only wanted to be there for them despite everything. I also lost some friends along the way thinking that our friendship would last a lifetime, but it didn’t. For people to go behind your back & keep secrets from you aren’t people you want to surround yourself with. I thought their character was better, but i was wrong. Even though it’s easier to think about all the bad that has happened, I did have a good few highlights to the year. I started my senior year & managed to pay for rent & my car payment for the semester without asking for help. It was a tight budget but I was able to do it. It was stressful. I was also given the opportunity to work as an undergraduate researcher working with essential oils as an alternative to antibiotics. It is an amazing experience & I will continue to work with my mentor & peers for my last semester. I am learning a lot & hope to use that information in the future. I was able to travel to Boston Massachusetts & Syracuse New York for medical conferences that have given me a network of people to guide and lend me advice for my future endeavors. I was very grateful as both trips were fully paid for. I also managed to keep my grades up this semester & not receive one C. That was a main goal of mine & im super happy about it. I also have grown a lot closer to my bestfriend this year & im very grateful for her. I wouldn’t have gotten through a lot of things without her being there. I’m happy we got to see each other more this year & make memories that well remember forever.
2018 was definitely a roller coaster, I don’t know how I got through it.. but I did. Let’s hope 2019 is better & filled with happier memories & more success!!
How do you tell one of your best friends that you like them without getting hurt or losing your friendship?
Noah Centineo as Peter Kavinsky in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before
Can’t wait for you forever.
Honestly, I don’t know why I set myself up for disappointment. I know you won’t text me first, I probably hardly ever cross your mind, & you probably don’t even care as much as you say you do. Your words keep holding onto me and making sure I don’t forget about you. I know you’re busy, but how busy are you? Maybe just busy enough to not talk to me even though you said you missed talking to me. See I don’t get it, I don’t get you. But I want to. That’s why I’m laying here wishing I were talking to you instead of writing about you. It sucks to like someone who doesn’t even notice what they’re missing out on. I could be laying here right now, while you make time for some other girl. I mean I wouldn’t be surprised. Which is the sad part. If you say you miss me, then show it, tell me. If I’m one of your favorite people, show me, don’t tell me. If you miss talking to me, talk to me. I don’t care if it takes you forever to respond, just respond. I already told you how I felt. I care for you a whole lot & I mean it. I don’t just say that to anyone.
